Another Angsty Fic In Other Words I Couldn't Think of a Title
by h311agay
Summary: "Logan," he breathed, waiting until Logan responded to continue. "Logan, what if I didn't want to hate you?" "That's probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Slim." Scott laughed but it died out quickly. "No, I'm serious, what if I don't want to hate you?" Scott snapped the thread, frowning. "What if… What if I wanted to… really do this whole soulmate thing


Scott was standing in the Professor's study, leaning against the large window and looking up to the sky. His heart was hurting and he really didn't feel like listening to the Professor go on about how Jean did what she thought was right. How she always felt like she was left out, falling behind, even though she excelled and prospered and surpassed every milestone and expectation placed for her. He didn't want to stand here and listen to the Professor drone on about how she will be missed and how she was an exceptional X-Man and that she could never be replaced. That she was an amazing person and did what she felt was best. Scott clenched his fists and gritted his teeth.

He didn't want to think about anything from that day.

There was a knock on the door and the Professor dismissed him and Logan, his voice sad but not sad enough for someone who claimed to have loved Jean as a daughter. Scott tried to storm out, but the flow of students made it too difficult and, despite his attempts, Logan ended up right behind him. "The Professor is right," he said, voice gruff and if Scott hadn't known any better, full of tears. "She did choose." There was a short moment of silence before Scott turned to look at Logan, egging him on. "She chose you."

"Thanks," Scott coughed. "Not that it really matters." He began to walk up the stairs, away from Logan and away from his problems. He drown them out with a few beers and loud music.

"Hey, you can't run from this, bub," Logan called after him. "We're gonna have to talk about it sooner or later. And the longer you put it off, the harder it's gonna be. I don't like it anymore than you do, but it happened and we have to deal with it."

"Well, I'm going to deal with it later." He stormed away, effectively this time, to his room. The one he used to share with Jean. He threw himself onto the bed and closed his eyes, hoping to keep the tears inside. Honestly, Scott wasn't sure he could cry anymore. He felt empty and exhausted. Before he knew it, he was dozing off, mind wandering.

 _"She's gone. She's gone."_

 _"NO! You don't say that! We gotta go back…"_

 _"She's gone."_

 _"No! No…" Scott was sobbing, gripping tightly onto Logan's suit, the leather bunching under his fists. He didn't want to believe it. He didn't want to hear it. Jean couldn't be gone. He wanted Logan to take those words back, even if they were true. She couldn't be gone._

 _Through the tears and the visor, he saw a light. It was dim at first, but right over Logan's heart. Scott hardly noticed until it was flaring up, bright and almost painful to look out. Then he realised his chest was doing the same thing. He pulled away from Logan and looked at him, shock and surprise and… disbelief on Logan's face._

 _"They're both greenish yellow," Bobby breathed from his seat. "They're identical."_

 _"Shut your mouth!" Logan yelled at the teenager before anyone else could even reply. He pushed himself away from Scott and stomped to the back of the jet._

Scott startled himself awake. He wasn't sure what really woke him up, but he knew he was hungry. He rolled out of bed and yawned, the remains of his dream disappearing for the most part, except the surprised face of Logan as his chest lit up. Scott's stomach twisted and it had nothing to do with his hunger. There was no way, no conceivable way that he and Logan were…

He refused to believe it.

He entered the kitchen to find Bobby eating a bowl of cereal, creating ice designs in a glass of water next to him. "Do you ever sleep," he asked, grabbing a soda out of the cabinet and frowning when he saw a case of beer up next to the bottles. He put the soda back and grabbed a beer instead.

"Not really, anymore." Bobby sounded so tired to Scott, and he looked it, but he wondered why the kid couldn't sleep.

"Wanna talk about it?"

The boy shrugged. "Probably not. I doubt you want to either. It's… It's about what happened. I've been having nightmares and it's gotten to the point where I don't even _want_ to sleep."

Scott nodded in understanding. "I feel you, buddy. I'm kind of in the same boat. But, maybe it would help if you talked to the Professor? He might be able to help sort out what's going on in your head and give you a good night's rest."

Bobby finished up his cereal and shrugged again. "I dunno, man. It's not everyday you watch your teacher commit suicide for a bunch of students." He left the room, leaving it chilled without even using his powers.

Scott's heart thudded weakly and he nursed the beer. Then another, and another. Another. He drank until the six pack was gone and his vision was blurry and his head was fuzzy. He laid his head on the table, feeling hot tears in the corner of his eyes. Was he doomed to spend the rest of his nights alone and suffering, all because Jean chose to sacrifice herself for everybody else? Who cares if Logan and him were supposed to be soulmates? He hated that man. He loved Jean and had been hoping that, in time, she and he would have become soulmates. But instead she died and Logan's chest glowed for Scott and Scott's chest glowed for Logan.

"Did you drink all my beer?" Speak of the devil and you shall receive. Scott sat up, squinting through his glasses at the man in front of him.

"What's it matter, Logan? You can always just go buy more. Let me have this." He picked up the bottle he had been drinking and was surprised to find it empty. He frowned. "Let's go buy more, right now." He stood, swaying as he did so. "I'll pay you back. Let's go. You can drive." He began to walk to under the archway when Logan grabbed his arm.

"I'm cuttin' you off, bub. You don't need anymore." Scott pulled away, fury contorting his face.

"You're not in charge of me, Logan! You don't- You don't get to cut- cut me off!"

"You ain't drinkin' anymore tonight, Scott. You'll thank me in the morning." Logan let go of Scott's arm and patted his shoulder. "How about we get you up to bed?"

"No!" Scott's tongue felt like cotton, but he was adamant on getting more to drink. He wanted to get blackout drunk and forget everything. He grabbed Logan's shirt and pounded on his chest. "No, dammit! Let me go by myself then!" He was crying, pounding his fist hard onto Logan's chest, hard enough that it was bruising his fists.

"You ain't drivin', Scott. Stop. Stop acting like this. What if a kid comes down here?" Logan was just letting Scott beat on him. "What if a kid comes down here, Scott?"

"I don't care! Let them come down! Let them see me like this! I don't care! I don't give a damn," he broke down, holding onto Logan's shirt and sobbing, knees collapsing underneath him. Logan let out a sound of surprise and caught Scott. Their chests started glowing again and Logan let out a sigh.

"Scott, we're gonna have to talk about this. It ain't something we can put off forever. And trust me, I'm a man who enjoys avoided confrontation. But this ain't something we can keep putting off. So let's go up to your room. You can either talk to me or lay down, because you sure as hell ain't drinking anymore tonight." He forced Scott to his feet, draping an arm around him, and began to walk back to Scott's room.

"She's gone, Logan. She's gone. I don't want her to be gone. She was supposed.. .supposed," he sobbed again, going almost limp in Logan's arms.

"Listen, I miss her, too, Scott. I miss Jeannie in my own way. But you can't… You gotta be strong for these students. I know I ain't one to talk, but they need a good role model. Deal with your grief but deal with it in a way that ain't gonna be noticed by the students." He shouldered open Scott's door and dragged him to the bed. "And we gotta talk about this… stupid glowing chest thing that's goin' on. You and I both know what it means. And Rouge and I have been looking some of this stuff up and-"

"I don't _want_ you as my soulmate, Logan," Scott whimpered, looking up at Logan from his pillow. "I wanted it to be Jean. I was hoping that someday, it would click. Someday, when I kissed her, we'd light up and she'd finally…" He hiccuped. "But she's dead and you lite up, of all people."

"I get it, bub, you hate me."

"I don't _hate_ you, Logan."

"Sure seems like it," Logan said dryly, a smile tugging at his lips. "Just let me talk. Rouge and I did some searching. You ain't, you ain't gotta love each other to be soulmates. It just means that you're stuck with each other until one of you dies." He shrugged. "Doesn't mean we gotta do jackshit with or to each other, Scott. Just means we're stuck with each other until the end. It means, no matter how hard one of us tries to run away, we'll always end up in the same situations. In the same area. Somethin's gonna call us back to each other time an' time again."

Silence followed Logan's words and Scott fiddled with a thread on his blanket. "So, we don't have to… to love each other?"

"That's what I just said. Hell, we can _hate_ each other, but we'll still be stuck as soulmates. I bet you that's what's goin' on with Chuck and Magneto."

More silence. Scott's heart was thudding and his vision was swirling. He patted Logan's arm, letting his hand rest longer than necessary. He felt like he could sleep, but he still didn't want to.

"Logan," he breathed, waiting until Logan responded to continue. "Logan, what if I didn't want to hate you?"

"That's probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Slim."

Scott laughed but it died out quickly. "No, I'm serious, what if I don't want to hate you?" Scott snapped the thread, frowning. "What if… What if I wanted to… really do this whole soulmate thing? Obviously it's happening for a reason. What if that reason is because we're meant to be?"

"You're drunk, Scott," Logan laughed. "Tomorrow morning you'll be saying you don't even remember this conversation and when I tell you what you're saying, you'll deny everything." There was something in his voice that made Scott's stomach turn.

"You can't pull that shit with me, Logan. I know what it sounds like when you're a 'tough guy' trying to deny things. I do it, too. You can call me on my bullshit, I can certainly call you on yours." He squeezed Logan's arm and forced himself to sit up. "Tomorrow morning, I'm going to remember all of this clearly. Tomorrow, we're going to have to sit at that breakfast table and act like this night didn't happen. And then, we're going to go off to some secluded spot in the school and talk about this in hushed tones. And then rinse and repeat." Scott's voice was strained. "I don't want that. I want… I want _this_ ." He gestured between them, to the lightly flickering glow from their chests.

"Trust me, Slim, you don't want this." Logan's voice was thick and heavy.

"But I _do_ , Logan. I do." Scott pulled himself closer to Logan, the light in his chest flickering with wild abandoned. Then they were kissing.

Scott's chest was exploding with colours and heat and he could see Logan's chest doing the same. Logan's lips were rough and chapped, surrounded by scratching facial hair, but pliant and pleasant to kiss. Before Scott knew it, Logan was pressing him against the bed. Logan was heavier than Scott had expected, all muscle and metal bones. Scott groaned, pressing into the kiss, his hands exploring the firm muscles of Logan's shoulders. Logan bit at Scott's lip and he groaned, arching up against the hard chest of the other.

Before long, their touches became hot, their skin burnt and the kisses were feverish. Scott knew he'd wake up with much more than a hangover but at this point, he didn't care. He wanted to lose himself in Logan, lose himself in the lights and touches and kisses. By the time he was on his knees and elbows, he was already so lost, he couldn't tell where he ended and Logan began and he didn't want to know. His body was burning but in a good way, in a way he wasn't sure he could ever forget.

When it was all over and done with, Scott couldn't feel his limbs, but he felt great. Logan was running his hand over Scott's chest, a perplexed look on his face. "Didn't know being with a man was like that. I've done it backdoor style with chicks before but… That was different." He scowled. "Shut the fuck up, I can't believe I'm talking about feelings." He shook his head. "Go to sleep."

The words hardly reached Scott's ears before he was asleep.


End file.
